October 9th, 2026

I think this is my most depressed year to date, i feel so useless and worthless while also having the motivation/desire to do nothing. I even gave up on streaming and making gaming content, I just hate how no matter what I do it just doesn't feel like enough. I've also been sad because I haven't gotten to spend time with my boyfriend in seven months, haven't even really gotten physical touch from others but like a hug from family and sometimes a friend. I hate living like this honestly. I hate never having sex and only getting to see my partner through video calls but, it is what it is. I love him enough to deal with it and he's happy, of course wants us closer too but its not the same at all for him. He can manage his emotions better and doesn't really have a super strong intimate drive, I feel like an ungrateful freak for wanting more.

Anyway, I don't feel much of anything but sadness and anger most days. I'm trying to stop being a shut-in and go out but its overcrowded where I live. The people here are either rude and gross or decent no inbetween. And where I live everythings pretty mild and lame for people who aren't rednecks. Gaming has just been... meh, unless others are with me I just kinda die inside ya know? I hate being alone especially on fridays/weekends. I miss going out with friends getting drunk and exploring new bars. I know I'm not some helpless victim, I know I have to leave the house to find "friends" but atp in my life it doesn't feel much worth it. I'm tired of people moving away, ghosting or just turning out to be trash human beings. So I have myself stuck here I suppose, online friends are better in the sense that you get a wider variety of personalities to work with, but the ghosting happens way more often.

People keep telling me things will get better, I've stopped looking for "better". If it was going to get better it would have, I've just accepted my dreams wont come true. I'm embarassed to say I don't even really care about the future anymore. I've waited so long for marriage that whenever it finally does happen I just want a quick ceremony and to get it over with. I don't care about college or working anymore either. If my mom kicks me out I'll just live in my car until the price of car insurance and gas outweighs what the VA gives me every month, then I'll be homeless and die or something I guess. I don't care anymore. I feel like my whole life is just one big waste of waiting for something amazing to happen that never does, seeking out an adventure that doesn't exist for people like me. Looking for a passion and love that I've already closed myself off to.

I don't say that last bit to be ungrateful or unloving to my partner either, I just mean the childish fantasies I had when it came to how I wanted my romantic adult life to look will likely never come true, not because HE isn't enough but because clearly I'm not.

I don't know anymore but, I just feel unhappy. I always feel unhappy and I want that unhappiness to stop. One day death will come, I hope it is swift and honorable at least.