Previous entries

5.23.2026 12:36am - Playing Valorant

I made a friend recently who loves to play Valo late at night and read books! She offered me some audiobook suggestions and even to share in on her family plan! :3 What a blessing of a soul she is I really do love listening to audiobooks and crocheting! Also drawing while listening to audiobooks/movies? AMAZING! I once drew Hogwarts castle while listening to the movie lol. And a Hobbit House while listening to LOTR. For me I just find it the ultimate inspiration for fandom art. Do you like to draw art from the things you love? You should let me know in the homescreen chat or guestbook! Sorry if that sounds like an ad, I'd just love to hear from those traveling by.

Recently I have been contemplating life a lot, my role in the world, my significance and insignificance. It is strange, I am both unimaginably loved and utterly a nobody. But that is true for us all, even the most famous person is unknown to potientally billions of people. Each and every one of us live the most insignificant and important lives imaginable. Ever since the dawn of humanity we have always wanted to leave our marks for future civilizations to remember us by. I too wish to be remembered. I know I am not perfect, no saint by any means, but I still want to leave a piece of me behind. Even in this imperfect state the art of my mind is clear, subtly. One day I hope to completely design the graphics for my website, also I hope to gain the vocabulary I need to actually say what I mean. I am ashamed to admit my speech has dwindled over the years, I gotta lay off the weed and read more ~__~

And I need a job lol

5.13.2026 2:20am

I definitely might be attempting to change the homepage layout soon LOL.

Yesterday was a better day than the one before. I spent lots of quality time with my dog, Teddy, and we got to have a lot of fun playtime. I've been trying to raise money for his R Knee surgery because its like $6,500 and when we pay it (even if insurance covers half of the costs) I wouldn't be able to become independent and move out.

I've been trying to move somewhere different ever since leaving the military. Not to say I don't love living at home, I absolutely do, my moms great! And our house is beautiful, but I wanted that freedom of living alone. I feel a lot of stress and pressure to be "normal" around my mom. She gets some of my more normal jokes but my humor is a lil too weird for her sometimes lol. I also just don't want to live in super nazi fascist land anymore.

I don't help myself with working out a plan to leave tho :/ I haven't worked since Feb 2025; after leaving my last job I've become a bit of a recluse. I don't leave my house unless it's to get Teddy food, DND (which sadly has ended ;~; RIP to that nigga Strahd), or if my mom asks me to. I gave up on trying to make local friends since everytime I would try it just wouldn't work out, online it's a lot easier to find people with similar ideals, hobbies and morals as me lol. Outside of my DND group I aint go any friends here XD

But idk, getting high everyday but not working at all kinda seems pathetic -__- I know saying "I'm burnt out and even though I've had a year work-free I still feel like everyday is too much and the pressure of having to conform to a society that wasn't made for me makes me physically ill." isnt an acceptable response but its why. That and my extreme paranoia of being watched by government entities and possibly being killed by a random bigot. It sounds delusional but its like also completely not, the government IS spying on people and random bigots DO kill Black/Trans people very often here -_-'

All is not doom and gloom tho! I've been radically against killing myself recently, its been a few months and while I do have random severely depressive episodes even if I say "I wanna die" or whatever I don't mean it in my heart/soul anymore. It feels odd and scary. I've always had an irrational fear that whenever I fully embrace wanting to live and choose to try and be happy something terrible will happen or i'll die. Which its like "well if you have passive SI wouldnt you try to be happier then so your irrational fear comes true and you die?" and I DONT KNOW THAT WOULD MAKE SENSE WOULDNT IT XD If only my mind worked that way.

5.11.2026 • 3:41am

5.11.2026 • 1:13am • Very long Rant Entry

I seriously need to get the fuck off Twitter, everytime I go on there I feel like the world is ending. It kinda is tho? Not in the dramatic 2012 way, but in the watching as corruption, cruelness, greed and fascism take over and seep over everything kinda way. It feels like there is nothing I can do to help anything. My family probably wouldn't approve of me going to protests, and I'd genuinely love to go if I wasn't in a racist fucking city with no protests and lots and lots of bigots with guns :)))

I'm not afraid to die; in fact I have wanted to for a very long time. I am afriad of dying for nothing. Aaron Bushnell stood and died in front of the world for all eyes to see. He was a member of the United States Air Force and he set himself on fire in protest of Israels genocide on Palestine. When cops arrived they pointed guns at him instead of trying to help him, he died from his injuries. His protest shook me to my core. The bravery of the act, the willingness to die in pursuit of showing the world what was right! Of showing his fellow servicemen what was right. He would would rather die, there and then, than be made to participate in terrorism against innocent human beings. In that moment for me the world stopped. I thought "If this man was so strong as to give his life to make his message heard, surely the world will listen! Surely the world will be moved as I have been." Tragically, It feels as if nothings changed. No matter how many people his actions affected Israel still continues to wage genocide and forced starvation against Palestinians. No matter how many billions speak out, no matter how many millions upon millions around the world protest this vile act of evil is still allowed to continue. And Aaron? Not a peep about him since it happened. The public moved on quickly, that is by design. We are mass fed short-form content online that keeps us distracted and our attention spans shortened. People on those platforms who speak out about whats going on are surpressed and hate-filled or dophamine based content is shown to us. I hope I am making sense to you who is reading this, I'm sorry if I am not. Despite my affected attention span and consumption of said content I have not forgotten. I haven't forgotten about any of the victims of fascism on our soil. The victims of forced war, the victims of police brutality, the victims of the rampant rape culture and pedophilia, the victims of white supremacy and christian nationalism. The country was once a beautiful and peaceful place. A place where civilizations thrived and nature florished. Then the boats came. And since then nothing but absolute depravity and crimes against humanity has happened since. It is hard to believe any Goddess or God watches over us. If they even exist at all. If they do exist I can not see them deeming us worthy of their time or help. We allow such awful and disgusting things to happen. Look at Congo. Look at Sudan. Look at Gaza. Look at Ukraine. Look at our world.

I think of how many people have lived and died trying to fix this broken world, because beyond all the awful terrible things they saw the other side. The beautiful, kind, awe inspiring side of this world. I think of how far as a species we have come and all of the amazing things we've achieved. I also think of all the horrible things we've done and created. We've existed on Earth for 200,000 years. 200,000 years and we still have bigotry and hatred for each other? It doesn't even make sense. It's illogical! I understand the histories, the "whys" and the "hows" yet still it is so primitive!!! Like grow up people with difference languages, cultures, skin colors, sexualities, body types and religions exist OMG ITS NOT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND!?!? 200,000 and somehow... MAGICALLY... Women have been and continue to be oppressed throughout almost all of history throughout most cultures??? In most cultures then AND NOW young girls are married off to older men OR women are sold off in arranged marriages??? AND ITS ALLOWED?! Like a country can literally just decide to imprison and restrict the basic human rights of any woman (or any minority) to the point of basic dehumanization and inhumane conditions and every other part of the world is like "Not my problem" "I'm the UN and I'm gonna say this is bad but do NOTHING" "I'm gonna pay my taxes that fund the guys commititing atrocities against those minorities." -___-

DOES THIS MAKE SENSE TO ANYONE?!? Like ffs I know I'm autistic and a little slow cause of weed brain but come on?! I've felt this way since I was in elementary school! It has never made sense I actually have come up with insane theories about why the world is like this, some are original and some have been said before:

SKIP IF YOU DONT CARE

•I think some of the Gnostics were right. The think the divine being that created this existance is evil and that is why they evil continues to thrive. In tandem I also do believe that benevolent and powerful entities may try to help humans against the evil that forces us to stay so unevolved.

•There are no divine creators/Almighty Being. Life is just life, it found a way to evolve into what it is now and the universe exists because Life has always exsted. Before birth there was nothing and after death there is nothing. We are just a species in the early process of evolving and that is why so many fucked up things happen. We hit a stump and have yet to beyond it and that stump is tribalism/nationalism/bigotry against fellow human beings.

•There is a Super Elites class of human being existing in this world whose purpose is to maintain the emmense wealth and power they have over every single person on earth. There could be ten of them there could be millions of them. In a world of billions they control it all. They do not know all 8 billion of our names but they influence the things that move us. They view the rest of humanity as entertainment and aid in causing major atrocities around the world, just to see what we will do. Unless literally all of humanity united against them they will pretty much forever continue to destroy our planet and enable the worst in humanity.

•All religions are correct and I am wrong, each human being has to follow their religion/spiritualities path to a form of positive afterlife or suffer the effects of an eternal hell/sould ceasing to exist.

•This life is one of many in our paths through reincarnation to become Divine Beings in which we undergo various different lifetimes evolving our Souls until we reach a state of Divine/Supreme being. After becoming a Supreme Being we can create and control realities of our own and remember all of our previous lives and experiences. I persons current Soul (their true self as a human being) could possibly reflect how close we are to evolving beyond the Human Experience onto a Higher Level of Being. The immense cruelty and kindness of this world is to help evolve us. This effects every single human being on earth, death at any stage is part of the journey. This theory is makes sense to me because that is all life is, constantly evolving to survive better, look better, ascend higher. 200,000 years on this planet and we are still so far behind on ethics, morals and advancements? It feels like a simulation almost.

Resume here

Beyong my insane theories I just genuinely do not understand, accept or find contentment with the state of the world. I try but cannot see the good over all the bad. I hate being the kind of pessimistic person who see the negative first. Who is paranoid and distrustful. There are a lot of time when I am with people that I find my peace and escape. I can be happy and carefree when talking to others, I can happily enjoy life most of the time as long as the company im with is good. When I am alone with my thoughts I get... well all this^^^

I will never change the world. I cannot control the world. I cannot fix all this evil. I cannot change the past or stop whatever future will happen. I cannot single-handedly prevent my country from turning into Gilead or worse. All I can do is try to live my life as fully and happily as I can before my rights are completely taken away, war comes to my country or I die.

I know this fully yet the fear grips my heart and keeps me up till 2:55am at night(morning as my love would remind me). The knowledge of all the preventable and senseless suffering that exists in this world sometimes completely consumes me. I can't enjoy anything, I can't eat, I can't sleep and I can't find happiness or contentment. It deeply bothers me to my very soul to know how useless and small I am against the greater evil that plauges us. Even as a Veteran I have nothing, no sway no say no voice to tell those in power to STOP and end the needless attacks against our safety/rights as citizens and as human beings. Knowing how even if I gave my very life in the pursuit of bettering this world stills my hand.

People in other countries ask why Americans don't revolt. In 2016 they showed us what would happen if good people revolted, in 2025-2026 they are showing us what happens when good people revolt. They send violent deranged officers after us, they use mass surveillance against us, they smear our names publicly and label us as terrorists, they kill us. And they've conditioned the public to just accept it and move on. Our government specializes in hunting down and tearing apart resistance groups (one example being the Black Panther Party) and has shown numerous times they are not afraid to kill us and do whatever they want. Of the 342 million people in the USA a majority of the people here are good decent people who want to see things within this country change for the better, who want us to move forward towards a brighter and more wonderful future. According to The Economist 57% of Americans disprove of the current administration yet we are expected to sit on our hands and wait patiently for a few more years while our country is ruined and corrupted even more. If anyone wanted to bring about change through faster means on any aspect of the current administration they would be killed. I have no trouble believing they would kill 57% of the population before they stopped the human trafficking, war mongering, pedo rings and support of white christian nationalism.

The knowledge of this, of the weapons they have and do use against civilians and the psychological manipulations they have mastered prevents myself and others from becoming just another forgotten headline. I am also too much of a coward and too loved to take my own life. Despite the suffering I experience from cptsd, bpd, undiagnosed/supported autism and the state of the world around me, many many people have gone through a lot of money and trouble to keep me alive. I am supposed to feel grateful and happy because of this. And I am. I also feel a soul crushing pressure from being expected to survive and perform day after day. I truly believe the spark of my life died when I joined and went through the military. Four years of absolute hell. I hated almost every single day. I got through it with friends, family and most importantly my partner. He saw me through things I could never have survived alone and for all of them I am so so grateful. I just don't want to suffer more. I do not wish to work or be limited by money to obtain the things I desire within reason. I spent alot of my life performing these stupid tasks and "achievements" to make others happy and not a single bit of it brought me happiness; so now I don't wish to do anything. I am completely burnt out and drained. I see the world for how horrible it is and know that every beautiful good thing I and others love will be taken away if it can be to make some corpo unbelieveably rich. I do not want to see things get worse, I know things can get better but as we see nothing prevents horrors from returning still. I do not want to wait for disease, murder, or old age to take me. I wish to peacefully go in my sleep and leave behind all responsibility, expectations and fear. I also have super intense brief moments where I reject this entire mindset completely and wish to live my life as passionately and fully as possible. This feeling usually only lasts a 1-30 seconds but engulfs me completely. I think its my spark trying to relight itself. I don't know how to help it. I cannot fix the world and I cannot fix myself. I don't know how.

5.11.2026 • 3:55am

Lol not me pulling this card after writing all this! XD

I did ask the Universe for a sign